Celebrate Poverty

Once every couple of months I find I have no money. No exaggeration, I find that after bills and the necessary gas expenditures I maybe will end up with 10 dollars in my pocket until the next paycheck. This is when I celebrate Poverty Month.

It goes in the same vein as Breast Cancer Awareness Month and Black History Month - you spend an entire month acutely aware of your own, personal poverty. How do you celebrate this? By spending NO MONEY AT ALL on ANYTHING except gas. But you avoid that by taking the bus. But sometimes you have to drive your car somewhere so there's really no way around gas.
I found this nut on the ground. Scavenged it. For Poverty Month.

Live out of your pantry. Make your own meals. Stay home and read all those books you got for Christmas instead of going out to eat and seeing a movie. Wash your sheets because DID YOU KNOW SEATTLE'S HAVING A BED BUG EPIDEMIC? Gross. And bed bugs strike the poor so you all know I'm screwed.
So welcome to Poverty January, the month that always follows Christmas. Join me as I try to fight debt, pay bills, and get back on track for the New Year.
Let me know if you're participating. We can trade recipes for rice and canned green beans.

Why, yes. I would like to try that!

I was at Whole Foods the other day, staring into the deli case, when the guy behind the counter says, "Hey, I see you here a lot." Found out in the middle of my free food mission, all I can think to do is say, "Yeah, I'm hungry a lot," buy something, and quickly leave.

Damn. A day of free food thwarted! Also, a sign that I need to find a new grocery store.

I like food. And I like free. And any instance where the two combine is pure magic. If you're not already familiar with it, let me introduce you to the free sample. It comes in all shapes and sizes, all flavors and colors, and if you're really strapped for cash and just not interested in another dinner of microwave popcorn, it really hits the spot.

But I'm not talking about Costco free samples (first of all, you have to pay to shop there). I'm talking a classier sample. A sample that has not been sitting on a tray getting soggy or stale for hours. Often an all-natural, organic sample. But here's where you have to be bold - to get these samples, you just need to ask for food. "Can I try this salad? Can I have a slice of cheese? Would you cut this orange open for me?" And THEN, you have to walk away, even though they're staring expectantly at you. With some practice, this is a skill you too can master.

And you can get a sample of almost anything; stare hard enough at the seafood counter, and suddenly you're eating a smoked salmon fillet. Pretend you don't know what a mango is, and the produce guy has one cut-up for you. Free and nutritious.

I suggest stores like Whole Foods and the PCC or anything local for real success; one, it's usually better quality. Two, because their prices are so high they're really interested in pushing the food on you. Please, by alllllllll means.

-K

Left-overs Have Feelings, Too

For anyone who has seen me the day after Thanksgiving, they know the most disgusting part of the holiday is my version of a turkey sandwich.
It is epic.
Here is the rundown:
Bread. Gravy. Turkey. Gravy. Stuffing. Gravy. Fill the stuffing cracks with potatoes. Finish with gravy. Bread.
Leftovers are a gift from little tiny baby Jesus laying in the manger. ESPECIALLY Thanksgiving leftovers, because they last at least a week and no one is ever sick of stuffing. But you can get sick of turkey. But then you should just eat more stuffing. And sweet potatoes never seem to go bad.
But did you know there are meals you can make out of leftovers that aren't just disgusting, gravy slathered turkey sandwiches? ITS TRUE. Here are some of my personal favorites.

1. Shepherd's Pie: Delicious and fairly easy. This recipe is just a base, don't feel like you have to follow it exactly. Just cook up some meat and vegetables in some flour and enough broth for it to absorb, slap it in a baking dish, and put all those mashed potatoes on top. Bake that shit. With cheese.
2. Stuffing Casserole: This recipe calls for chicken, but just switch it to turkey. Or bacon. Or turkey AND bacon. Take your stuffing, add two eggs and some broth to remoisten it up, add whatever the hell else you want, slap it in the oven until it looks delicious. Once again, I suggest an addition of cheese.
3. Pot Pie: Don't make your own pie crust and just buy some of those ones at the store, because making a pie crust is too much of a commitment for leftovers. Put the pie crust in the plate. Load the effer up with all your leftovers, including gravy. Lots of gravy. Top it with the other pie crust. ADD CHEESE. Bake it until it smells good.

And then, because I know you're all lazy asshats, here's a page of just turkey sandwich recipes.
HA! THOSE ARE FANCY SANDWICHES.
Enjoy your gravy, because if you don't I'll come find it.

-C

Perma-Losers Go to the Movies

Last night could've been awesome. And free. And involving children's literature.
But here's where free things get complicated: the possibility of failure can be large.
And I am, in fact, prone to failure. And tripping. And getting tears in every single pair of stockings ever. And dropping my glasses.
But besides that, mostly I'm prone to failure. I have a bad sense of timing, I have horrible luck with cars (hit a house, got one incinerated, my new car just stops running every couple of months for some reason), and I'm easily distracted.

But I'm convinced that I am a winner, and win at everything, so I forget all these things. Often. Because I'm awesome.(PS, I'm using this graphic all the time)

So of course when our roommate told us that she had a buttload (literally a buttload, like 12) free passes to see The Fantastic Mr. Fox last night, I was sure we had this ON LOCK DOWN. I was stoked! Roald Dahl + George Clooney X FREE = FANTASTIC LOOKING MOVIE.
But of course that's not how it worked. The movie started at 7, they started letting people in at 5:45, we arrived at 6:15, and already we're not allowed entry.
So instead we went to dinner.
And payed for it.
Because while we're desperate, we are also hungry, and sometimes that overshadows our desperation.
Thus why we are losers.

-C

You know what's Free? Walking. Yes, walking.

"But, I already know walking's free. What the hell are you talking about, you ambiguous idiot?!?"

I'm talking about getting home from the bars/friend's-house-you-were-drinking-at without the worry of a DUI, the cost of a cab, or having to leave early to catch a bus. Sure, you could have a a friend be your designated driver. There's a quick drive down, then a 45 minute scavenger hunt for anything that comes close to resembling a parking space (A free spot of course. Because $12 for a night spot is only in emergency situations when you need to shake your ass at the club ASAP). Then there's the fact that your DD will inevitably get drunk! This is because they feel the need to slam their 2 drinks fast in order to be sober by last call. Unfortunately, the slamming of two drinks leads to a later slamming of two drinks - "We're not leaving for 4 and a half hours! That means my body will have already processed out 2 drinks by midnight. I got this! I'll be ready by Last Call." This invariably leads to a cab ride home FOLLOWED by a morning carpool back to the DD's car that was left downtown!!

This all leads back to my main point- WALKING IS FREE! By the time 2:30am rolls around, you'll be drunk and a 1 hour walk will seem like a 15 minute conversation! Last night, we made the walk from 1st & Denny (Queen Anne) to the edge of Magnolia! It seriously took just under an hour, was accompanied by an excellent conversation, and was totally free! Normally, the cab ride would have been near $15 with tip. Split among two people, that's $7.50 a person. Now think about how much you bring home after taxes for an hour of work... $7.50 is 3 PBR tallboys with tip, people!!! If we had stopped 10 minutes earlier, we would have been on the North Side of Queen Anne. 15 more minutes of walking and we would have been in Ballard! Are you seeing the message? I'm not telling you that walking is free. I'm telling you that it's not a huge ordeal or pain in the ass to do it. As long as you have a conversation partner, your walk will be a fleeting memory and you'll love your bed even more when you get home.

-J

How to rape, pillage and plunder (a house) - it's not just for pirates anymore!

So we've all seen that show Hoarders, right? You know, the one where the state busts into a house overflowing with old newspapers, 50 cats, 10-year old cheese and cleans it all out? Well, next time, instead of cringing in disgust while watching, just think of all the things you could be rescuing from that hovel. I speak from experience. Some exposition ...

A few months back, a friend of my mother's died. I know, I know, condolences, thank you. Now as it turns out, this friend had spent her formative years as a groupie popular with the pro-wrestling circuit. Well, one thing led to another, and pretty soon she found herself mother to Andre the Giant's child, on Hardcopy, and in the middle of a lawsuit (yep, you heard me right - ouch! [and I'm not talking about the lawsuit]). On top of all that illustriousness, she was a seamstress (oh, and a serious hoarder of crap - that wasn't just a tangent I was on). Whoa-oh!

So when my mom and Baby Mama's (as we affectionately call her) sister went to clean out her house, some friends and I went along for the ride. And after we'd strapped on gloves, got over the grit, grime and bugs, we knew we'd hit the jackpot. I'm talking serious haul; it was like the greatest, free garage sale on earth. On top of the endless costumes, we found three real fur coats, bookcases, desks and a table, board games, retro-yet-still-somehow-trendy purses, posters, a pair of pants that Rod Stewart once wore, boxes full of candid, signed photos of rock stars, and a jacket with a backstage pass to an Alice Cooper show pinned to it. Oh, also a life-sized, cardboard cutout of Andre.

It may sound like a string of good luck that lead us to this house, but the important thing to remember is that there is crap everywhere. And crap is free. Don't ever turn down a chance to get some free crap. Especially from places that aren't open to the general public. This means neighbor's garages, family attics, and, yes, the leftover house of a hoarder.

-K

Call Me Dr. Free Love

One of my secrets that isn't that much of a secret is my white-trash style love for the greatest rock band of all time, KISS.
I've been listening to them since high school. Friends of mine (one being a co-blogger) still tell stories about hearing me coming to pick them up from blocks away, KISS blasting in my stereo. Ah, memories.

WELL I GOT TO SEE THEM FOR FREE. And now I can die happy.
And you could've seen them for 79 cents, and that is less than a soda, so I feel like this is something everyone should know about.

USE YOUR RESOURCES. I was given this opportunity for being an employee at the Seattle Center. Make sure to always step up to the plate when there are free tickets, free food, or free insurance at your office. Its good for your health and good for your ability to GET DOWN!Gene Simmons is insisting that you must rock out with your appropriate genitalia out.

Because of hook-ups through work I've been able to see the ballet for free, I've gone to plays for free, I could've gone to the Seattle Home Show for free but I'm not currently thinking about remodelling my kitchen so I let someone else grab those. Not to mention the 5 pounds I've gained due to the ridiculous amounts of baked goods this office offers. Dear sweet jesus its bad for me, but so delicious.
On top of that, some employers offer discount programs through the internet. The one my company offers me lets me get $5 movie tickets, provided I purchase them on a credit card and through the internet. But that's so much cheaper than the movies anymore!
And, I knooooow, its not actually KISS. Ace Frehley and Peter Criss have been gone for awhile, and I guess Peter Criss has been battling breast cancer which is ridiculous, and now they have some faux-Ace guy and some faux-Peter guy, which sucks but they both rock so I guess that's okay. Honestly, after telling you about my love for KISS, I feel safe telling you that were it not for the freeness of the ticket I would not have attended. I love Ace. I love Peter. I love original KISS.
But I also like doing shit. Fo' FREE. Just like you do. Especially when it involves Gene Simmons spitting blood and flying up to the top of the lights. And Paul Stanley. And his nipples.

-C